A New Lifestyle

I've recently gone through some pretty big life changes and I'm still taking stock of it all. It has been difficult to want to write when I don't really know or trust my emotions from day to day. I am used to knowing my course for the most part and of late I don't really have the assurance of where my path will lead anymore.

My wife of 13 years, 17 years since dating, and I have separated and I now find myself alone in a large house half of the time when my daughter is staying with her mother. I am normally comfortable with quiet space, but this feels different. I wake in the morning and there is no sound of family in the house. A house is not a home without that.

I have been trying to keep myself busy with friends or activities or cleaning or anything when my daughter is not with me. The loneliness can seem crushing sometimes and TV has lost its ability to numb my thoughts. Coupled with that is the financial stress from splitting incomes and trying to hold onto the semblance of a life you spent years assembling.

I find it odd that so many people go through this process of separation and yet it still feels like uncharted water. I read books about this, but they are always speaking about other people and it never seems to give me solace. Katy and I (and Lauren) are making the best of this bad situation, and I couldn't be more grateful for that, but there is just no way to not feel sorry for myself. The hard part is that I hate acknowledging that, even more so showing it to others, but I'm finding that this is way beyond any other emotions I've dealt with.

The only thing I/we haven't done is allow for more time to mend this. And that "answer" just never seems to satisfy. I wish I could leave this post with more of a purpose, or lesson learned, but right now I'm so in the middle of it that I just can't see it yet. Or if I am, I don't trust my vision.

Measure by Measure

We celebrated my dad’s 62nd birthday yesterday and I am left with a few sad reflections on the day. The week before, when asked what he wanted for his birthday, he told us he could use some slacks for playing golf. I bought a couple pair of slacks, wrapped ‘em, got a touching card, etc. and headed up to my sister’s. Near the end of the night we have the cake and he unwraps his slacks and he is appreciative. He then unwraps the present from my sister’s family … three pairs of jeans. So, for my dad’s 62nd birthday, he got five pairs of pants. Five pairs of pants. It kept lingering there in my head the whole drive home … five pairs of pants.

I thought about earlier events that day as I drove back home. I remember seeing my dad’s animated face as got out of his chair to illustrate the unusual golf swing technique of Charles Barkley. And as he was demonstrating it my mother got up and stood between us (in front of him) and started demonstrating it too … as if I needed greater authenticity on the exact swing technique. I think what really happened was that they both watch the same news reports and have the same stories to tell and there was only one of me to be interested at the time. My dad’s animated, joyful face went slack and defeated-like as he turned around without a word and went to play basketball with his grandkids. He no longer argues with her as I was accustomed to growing up. The two of them always rubbing each other the wrong way and making a scene over small things others wouldn’t have even noticed. But now, he doesn’t even argue anymore and I don’t see it as “better” – frankly, it made me even sadder for the both of them.

I’m sad for my parents because they are both incredible individuals. They both deserve happiness but I don’t see it in them. I keep coming back to the five pairs of pants. I was left thinking about something Cherie @ Blog THIS Mom quoted just recently: “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try some times … you get what you need!” [Rolling Stones … and I didn’t look it up so I’m sorry if it quoted it wrong] What is “want” and what is “need” anyway? My dad said he wanted pants for his birthday … or did he say he “needed” pants … were we really listening? If somebody “needs” something in this context, should you really strive to deliver on such a mundane desire? My father has the time and money to get slacks. He is not going without if we don’t buy him slacks. Shouldn’t we look past what somebody “needs” for a birthday wish and instead give them what we think they may really “want” instead?

I dropped the ball … and not just a week or so ago … I dropped the ball years ago when I started taking my parents for granted. I dropped the ball when I assumed they would be satisfied with whatever time my family gave them when it was convenient for us. I dropped the ball when I lost sight of what excites my mom or dad and would put genuine joy on their face. The thing is, I love my parents and I think they know that. But my actions don’t really show it and when all is said and done, aren’t actions the real measure of a man? I realized that a card on birthdays or father’s day or mother’s day is not enough to say you love them and that they are great. I need to reconnect with my parents while I still have them. I need them to know the real me and I need to know the real them. I want to know in my heart that if my dad asks for shoes next year what he will really appreciate instead is a day out on the golf course with me telling bawdy jokes. I want to know where/if my mother still has joy in her life. She used to be my confidant during my troubled teenage years and I want to be that for her if she needs it now. Perhaps instead of buying her books this year, I’ll read the same books she likes and have lunch with her to talk about them.

Father-Daughter Dance

Lauren and I went to the sock hop this weekend and it was pretty cool. I'll post some pictures when I get them off the camera (I was able to pull together a halfway decent look from stuff I had at home). It was kind of funny that when I saw myself dressed like a greaser, I looked the spitting image of my dad ... who knew he was a greaser? I thought he was just dressed as a construction worker.

Before we hit the dance, we joined two other dads and their daughters at Islands restaurant and Lauren and I got there early with time to talk before the others arrived. She is fun to just hang out with now that she has her own defined personality and sense of humor.

We made it to the dance, took pictures, and went out to the basketball court/dance floor. She found many of her classmates there and we made rounds saying hello. I really expected that she would ditch me to run around and dance with her girlfriends, but it turned out she really wanted to spend the time with me. Each time a friend would come to us on the dance floor to break her away, she would turn them down and want to dance with me. I guess you could say I was pleasantly suprised by this. I would have been totally fine if she wanted to play with her friends, but the fact that she valued the father-daughter time really made me feel good about my relationship with her. I really love being a father :)

Forlorn

Bereft of hope, supine pose, crumbling within.

Each constrained tear splashing away at my soul.

Fortifying a façade – for daughter, for family, for friends.

Feigning life when I can barely see beyond my walls.

Rash thoughts and desperate prayers take place of self-will.

The cruel voice that preys upon moments of weakness.

Spiraling cause and effect that cripples any action.

And so, with head upon the block, I wait for the axe to fall.

Waiting for my world to be torn asunder and me left with pieces
of family, of friends, of home, of my very being.

Waiting to know if essence remains to rebuild a sense of self.

PROMPTuesday #45: You’re Published!

Since I enjoy reading Cherie's (BlogTHISMom) submissions each week for the PROMPTuesdays, I figured I'd pick up the habit too (submission below this prompt):

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PROMPTuesday #45: You’re Published! (San Diego Momma Blog)

For this week’s PROMPTuesday, let’s assume your book is getting published. And that you need a dedication page.

What is your book about, who will you dedicate your book to and what will you say?

Write a story based on this prompt.
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Kindred Spirits

A powerful spirit lies dormant in captivity for ages until it is unleashed upon the 21st century world. Jumping from one human to another, it splits its essence each time to share a bit of its power with the host and elluding captivity forever more. Each new hosts has unique powers tindered from within and soon the spirit is coveted by all and guarded by the chosen. Our world becomes centered around a shared spirit that connects the hosts but divides the masses.

Dedicated to my family for keeping me true to myself and fictional for others.

My Daughter

My daughter just recently turned nine years old and it got me thinking about how the time has inexplicably flown by and yet also left me with the feeling that I have always been a parent. I sometimes do double-takes when seeing how tall my daughter is now or how much her conversations have changed to mimic young adults. And yet, when I really think about it, it did take awhile to get to this point and her development didn’t just happen overnight.

I couldn’t be prouder of her for the person she is becoming. She is a leader, but is understanding that great leadership comes from the trust and supportive efforts of others. She is intelligent, but understands that making an emotional connection with someone is more important than proving you are right all the time (something that I didn’t realize until my late 20s and I still struggle with). She is funny as all get-out and never misses a beat; I think she is going to be a pistol in her teenage years, but I welcome the ensuing repartee. And finally, she has always had a giving and empathetic soul. I guess what I’m saying is that she is person I always wanted to be and still struggle to become.