World of Warcraft

I've played World of Warcraft for over four years now. It was my first online game of its sort and I immediately fell in love with the emersive nature of it. The game was an escape from the stress of work or anything else. It is a hobby. Some play sports, work on cars, watch TV, read, etc. and it is a hobby just like those. But ultimately, the game's content didn't change that much over time (sure there were patches with some new places, but it was basically the same game). The part that kept me playing was the community. The guild of hundreds of people I played with are friends much like you find in real life. But there is always a self-imposed distance from them as well. Some of the regulars that I played with each week got to the point were we went beyond the in-game names, events, etc. Some of my friends talk about their wives and kids and TV shows and sports and work and so on ... just like I talk with my RL friends in person. And so, the lines blur from my network of friends I see at work or weekends (especially since some of them play the game with me) and those online.

But of late, the game doesn't bring me much joy or escape. I play due to committments made to those others in groups that need 10 or 25 on the team to complete objectives. I play because it is expected, but I am pretty much done with it. I've been cutting back my hours and days more and more anyway. Now I told them I was leaving the east coast playing times (the 25 person team) and that leaves me with two nights a week from 8 to 11. And I'm seriously thinking of dropping those too. In some ways I feel like that is my last connection to these online friends though. But really it is only a handful of them anyway. I guess I'm having a problem breaking the ties because I'm not positive I won't want to play again in the future and I also know that I won't carry on the friendships with those guys if not in-game. We don't regularly email each other or post on forums ... it would basically be saying goodbye.

I am at a point in my life where I want to take on a new/productive activity. I will most likely go back to writing a novel or maybe go back to school (if I can afford it). I will be using the former playing time to do this. But, this is also a time when I don't relish losing more friends. so it is not an easy move. Today I was home sick and in the past I would have played WoW ... I had no interest in doing that this time. However, I was bored out of my mind and feeling like I need to retrain myself to use time for something else. It is so easy to check out in WoW, just like others check out by watching TV. I don't want to check out of life anymore, but I really need to get back into the swing of things. I feel the pain in using those forgotten muscles.

My Confession

The truth is, I am much more comfortable writing about others in my life than I am about myself. I’ve started a few novels and found the process mostly enjoyable until I tried keeping a journal that I thought would maybe lend itself to a larger work. The process was like opening a portal to a bad place, a door was opened that I quickly tried to slam shut. It isn’t like I’ve had a terrible life with terrible problems, it is just that I don’t normally like to dwell (some would read “deal”) on things. I think there is a huge difference in being constructively introspective versus being self-absorbed or self-pitying. So, I didn’t continue with the journal project and to this day I generally avoid exercises like it.

Recently a bunch of friends sent Facebook writing prompts meant to learn more about their friends and I just didn’t want to “play” like that. To clarify, I didn’t think they were self-absorbed or self-pitying exercises, I just mean that they looked like that door I opened and slammed shut. The prompts I read from others were actually interesting/entertaining to me and I did like them – especially the candid ones that let me see a side of friends I wouldn’t otherwise in our EVERYDAY outings. The truth is, I think I like having my secrets. Not the type that would hurt loved ones (I don’t have a secret lover or huge debts or anything like that), but rather the type that let me maintain my own definition of myself -- unfiltered through the gaze of others. I can’t say that in some cases it isn’t because I’m afraid of their reproach. As social beings, it is hard to not be influenced by this fear. If I got to the point where I didn’t give a shit what was thought of me, I’d probably not be a good husband, father, son, friend, employee, etc. Part of life *is* playing the game and not forcing others to confront our own eccentricities. However, I have always been pegged as straight-laced and apple pie. I guess I’ve been afforded opportunities because of this, but it does feel disingenuous at times. Then when I think to refute it I am overcome with the out of body experience of witnessing myself being a dork in overly trying to prove something to another. And so, weighing the choice of that buffoonery against having others think of me in safe, predictable, and boring terms … I guess I often choose the latter. I choose to wear my dark on the inside.

So, with that admission in mind, why start a blog? First, I don’t like that I slammed that door so readily without giving myself time to work through things a bit more. Second, I do enjoy writing and I’ve been taking a hiatus that I want to end. This informal writing is kind of freeing and gets me back in the practice of writing for writing’s sake. Hopefully I will work off this momentum and get back to the novels I started before (or start a new one). Third, I am at that point in my life where things are basically good and solid and it is much more comfortable to share and explore now that I feel balanced. I don’t expect my future postings will be this long-winded and dry, at least I hope not. I plan on blogging on anything and everything without worrying too much about making something of significance. This is supposed to be the space where I don’t have to worry about that, it is the selfish space – the public masturbation room, if you will.