My Confession

The truth is, I am much more comfortable writing about others in my life than I am about myself. I’ve started a few novels and found the process mostly enjoyable until I tried keeping a journal that I thought would maybe lend itself to a larger work. The process was like opening a portal to a bad place, a door was opened that I quickly tried to slam shut. It isn’t like I’ve had a terrible life with terrible problems, it is just that I don’t normally like to dwell (some would read “deal”) on things. I think there is a huge difference in being constructively introspective versus being self-absorbed or self-pitying. So, I didn’t continue with the journal project and to this day I generally avoid exercises like it.

Recently a bunch of friends sent Facebook writing prompts meant to learn more about their friends and I just didn’t want to “play” like that. To clarify, I didn’t think they were self-absorbed or self-pitying exercises, I just mean that they looked like that door I opened and slammed shut. The prompts I read from others were actually interesting/entertaining to me and I did like them – especially the candid ones that let me see a side of friends I wouldn’t otherwise in our EVERYDAY outings. The truth is, I think I like having my secrets. Not the type that would hurt loved ones (I don’t have a secret lover or huge debts or anything like that), but rather the type that let me maintain my own definition of myself -- unfiltered through the gaze of others. I can’t say that in some cases it isn’t because I’m afraid of their reproach. As social beings, it is hard to not be influenced by this fear. If I got to the point where I didn’t give a shit what was thought of me, I’d probably not be a good husband, father, son, friend, employee, etc. Part of life *is* playing the game and not forcing others to confront our own eccentricities. However, I have always been pegged as straight-laced and apple pie. I guess I’ve been afforded opportunities because of this, but it does feel disingenuous at times. Then when I think to refute it I am overcome with the out of body experience of witnessing myself being a dork in overly trying to prove something to another. And so, weighing the choice of that buffoonery against having others think of me in safe, predictable, and boring terms … I guess I often choose the latter. I choose to wear my dark on the inside.

So, with that admission in mind, why start a blog? First, I don’t like that I slammed that door so readily without giving myself time to work through things a bit more. Second, I do enjoy writing and I’ve been taking a hiatus that I want to end. This informal writing is kind of freeing and gets me back in the practice of writing for writing’s sake. Hopefully I will work off this momentum and get back to the novels I started before (or start a new one). Third, I am at that point in my life where things are basically good and solid and it is much more comfortable to share and explore now that I feel balanced. I don’t expect my future postings will be this long-winded and dry, at least I hope not. I plan on blogging on anything and everything without worrying too much about making something of significance. This is supposed to be the space where I don’t have to worry about that, it is the selfish space – the public masturbation room, if you will.

My Daughter

My daughter just recently turned nine years old and it got me thinking about how the time has inexplicably flown by and yet also left me with the feeling that I have always been a parent. I sometimes do double-takes when seeing how tall my daughter is now or how much her conversations have changed to mimic young adults. And yet, when I really think about it, it did take awhile to get to this point and her development didn’t just happen overnight.

I couldn’t be prouder of her for the person she is becoming. She is a leader, but is understanding that great leadership comes from the trust and supportive efforts of others. She is intelligent, but understands that making an emotional connection with someone is more important than proving you are right all the time (something that I didn’t realize until my late 20s and I still struggle with). She is funny as all get-out and never misses a beat; I think she is going to be a pistol in her teenage years, but I welcome the ensuing repartee. And finally, she has always had a giving and empathetic soul. I guess what I’m saying is that she is person I always wanted to be and still struggle to become.