I've recently gone through some pretty big life changes and I'm still taking stock of it all. It has been difficult to want to write when I don't really know or trust my emotions from day to day. I am used to knowing my course for the most part and of late I don't really have the assurance of where my path will lead anymore.
My wife of 13 years, 17 years since dating, and I have separated and I now find myself alone in a large house half of the time when my daughter is staying with her mother. I am normally comfortable with quiet space, but this feels different. I wake in the morning and there is no sound of family in the house. A house is not a home without that.
I have been trying to keep myself busy with friends or activities or cleaning or anything when my daughter is not with me. The loneliness can seem crushing sometimes and TV has lost its ability to numb my thoughts. Coupled with that is the financial stress from splitting incomes and trying to hold onto the semblance of a life you spent years assembling.
I find it odd that so many people go through this process of separation and yet it still feels like uncharted water. I read books about this, but they are always speaking about other people and it never seems to give me solace. Katy and I (and Lauren) are making the best of this bad situation, and I couldn't be more grateful for that, but there is just no way to not feel sorry for myself. The hard part is that I hate acknowledging that, even more so showing it to others, but I'm finding that this is way beyond any other emotions I've dealt with.
The only thing I/we haven't done is allow for more time to mend this. And that "answer" just never seems to satisfy. I wish I could leave this post with more of a purpose, or lesson learned, but right now I'm so in the middle of it that I just can't see it yet. Or if I am, I don't trust my vision.
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