Reconciliation

Bless me readers (or reader as is more likely the case) for I have neglected. It has been nine months since my last posting.


I went through some odd life changes over the past months and thankfully came through the other side with perspective and a new lease on life. You may remember from my previous post that I was going through a separation with my wife. Well, that is not going to happen now.

After nearly a year of emotional roller-coaster rides, and about half a year of living apart, we both realized a few things (I’ll speak from the first person though to make this easier to read and so that I don’t speak for her). First, I wanted to be a better “me” for my own sake and she recognizes and supports/appreciates that. Second, nobody else I dated, or had interest in, could compare to her. Third, I got past the point of simple pity for myself (I know I could survive and move on with my life). Getting past that point let me know that I wanted her back not only because of the past/comfort, but because I choose her to spend my future with. I can’t overstate the importance of that realization. It comes down to this: I love and respect my wife more now than ever before – I believe we are better for having gone through the pain so we could renew our relationship with understanding and passion.

So, we are now all back under the same roof again. It has been about a month since her move back in and we spent that time repainting walls, rearranging furniture/appliances/etc., clearing out garages and closets, and finally unpacking the remaining boxes. In the end, the house feels like a renewed home. Now we are in the state to plan, and planning together is akin to dreaming together and dreaming together is something special.

A New Lifestyle

I've recently gone through some pretty big life changes and I'm still taking stock of it all. It has been difficult to want to write when I don't really know or trust my emotions from day to day. I am used to knowing my course for the most part and of late I don't really have the assurance of where my path will lead anymore.

My wife of 13 years, 17 years since dating, and I have separated and I now find myself alone in a large house half of the time when my daughter is staying with her mother. I am normally comfortable with quiet space, but this feels different. I wake in the morning and there is no sound of family in the house. A house is not a home without that.

I have been trying to keep myself busy with friends or activities or cleaning or anything when my daughter is not with me. The loneliness can seem crushing sometimes and TV has lost its ability to numb my thoughts. Coupled with that is the financial stress from splitting incomes and trying to hold onto the semblance of a life you spent years assembling.

I find it odd that so many people go through this process of separation and yet it still feels like uncharted water. I read books about this, but they are always speaking about other people and it never seems to give me solace. Katy and I (and Lauren) are making the best of this bad situation, and I couldn't be more grateful for that, but there is just no way to not feel sorry for myself. The hard part is that I hate acknowledging that, even more so showing it to others, but I'm finding that this is way beyond any other emotions I've dealt with.

The only thing I/we haven't done is allow for more time to mend this. And that "answer" just never seems to satisfy. I wish I could leave this post with more of a purpose, or lesson learned, but right now I'm so in the middle of it that I just can't see it yet. Or if I am, I don't trust my vision.

Spelunking in Anzo Borrego

A friend put out an email to seven of us, and that soon became nine, with the simple lure of doing something "man-like" to break us out of our domesticated routines. I'm not sure about the motivating factors for others, but for me the timing couldn't have been better to get me away from my everyday thoughts. The plan was to do some camping and cave crawling at the Anzo Borrego Desert.

Most of us have wives … wives that won’t stay at sub-par hotels much less a tent with no bathrooms. So, the plan wasn’t to exclude the women as much as it was assumed that it would be a “guys trip” where it was OK to be a bit smelly, raunchy, and quiet (yeah, simply enjoying NOT talking even when in a large group is kind of a guy thing). Unlike most other plans, this one just appealed to us all and attendance was 100%.

There was some planning to make sure we had essentials, but in the end it was left with half the people not actually signing up, some things left unassigned, and … well, that was fine. There were some things that were signed up for (sandwiches for lunch, etc.) and those didn’t make it to the camp and … well, that was fine too. Nobody got bent out of shape and nobody worried about starving to death and nobody carried a grudge and … yeah, what a refreshing change. Now I’m not writing this to judge men better than women in this because I totally enjoy the care and comfort that comes from my wife, sister, and mother in their planning of outings. However, I have noticed that when my brother-in-law and I “plan” similar outings it takes us less than 5 minutes to knock out the basic plan and then we just assume the other will take care of their part however they see fit. It is kind of the same way with this camping trip. Do it or not, it is on the guy to step us as he sees fit and if not … well, fuck it, we aren’t gonna die. So, not better, just different. And it is exactly that difference that made the trip so appealing. I’m sure all those girls trips have a similar appeal without men in there being all man-like.

Anyway, back to the trip. We took off Saturday morning and drove up past Julian (I don’t get the lure of that place, honestly – perhaps that’s material for another post) and into the desert. We met up with the other truck coming from Temecula and then found the camp our other group setup from the night before. It was the perfect spot with a south-facing wall that provided shade of some kind throughout the day. I can’t tell you how important that fact is out there in the desert! We put up the tent, unpacked gear, scrounged for lunch food (note the missing sandwiches for lunch above), and within about 30 minutes we were ready to hit our first cave.

Cave number one just happened to be the best cave of the whole trip. We didn’t plan it that way since the maps don’t really give much of a clue as to the cool factor of each one. We just happened to camp next to the best one out there. The mud cave had a nice mix of dark passages, open high points, and interesting crawl spaces. Later caves had more of one or the other, but this first one had balance and thus the complete experience.

The interesting thing for me is that I’ve never really been spelunking like that before and didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t research the caves before hand or see any pictures so I didn’t know what to expect until I was there at the mouth of it. It was a freeing experience to jump into a jeep, drive out to a location I didn’t really know on the map, and into a cave I knew nothing about.

We went from cave to cave that day until it started getting dark and our muscles threatened to give out on us. Back to the camp and a set of fires were already started for us by the few that went back early. We ate grilled steak, beans from a can, and bread … perfect dinner to go with the beer, warmed sake (saki), and homemade lemoncello. We were gonna have smores for dessert, but the guy in charge of that brought marshmallow crème in a jar (OMG, I laughed my ass off on that). After two friends started dueling banjos (music on iphones) back and forth from “Boot scoot boogie” to some kind of gangsta rap we all realized there would be no winners this night. It wasn’t long before we all went to our tents to sleep for the night.

Some of us were sleeping in one large 8-man tent that was bigger than my first apartment. There was plenty of room in there, but that didn’t stop the usual grab-ass from ensuing. Most went to sleep (despite my snoring) but I woke sometime in the middle of the night like I have been for the last month or so. I got up, went out of the tent, and realized that this night my lack of sleep was actually a gift. The night was quiet like you just don’t get in the city and the night sky was bright with a sea of stars. I sat in a chair just outside of the now burned out fire tub. Laying back into the chair, first watching the sky, later just closing my eyes, I became almost mesmerized by the sounds of the bats active in the sky. They were all over the place sending out sounds and whirling past overhead. I easily fell asleep out there in the chair only to be awakened again when the temperature dramatically dropped.

Sunday morning we all woke soon after the sun rose and thankfully somebody thought to bring a burner and carafe for coffee. We had eggs, bacon, steak, and tortilla for breakfast … better than I eat at home. For some reason, it took forever to get things packed and people out of their chairs to hit the caves again. By the time we took out for the caves, it was 10:30 and the sun was already blazing again. We headed further out and the caves this day weren’t nearly as good as the day before so we eventually called it and folks headed home. I was in the jeep though and we were only starting our day. The plan was to head back via Diablo Drop-off. The off-roading was awesome and it brought us to another area to hike up to wind caves. I’m glad I saw it, but by this point we were all feeling like we had been in a brawl and got our asses kicked. We still had another couple hours drive back.

The drive back was kind of like coming back from Las Vegas … completely different in excitement level than the trip out. Still, I enjoyed the conversation and company of my friends and was a bit saddened that we couldn’t spend another day out there.

Next day was a work day (some called in sick -- wussies!) and I was still riding the high and enjoying the feeling of exercised muscles. I looked up some ideas for our next trip and emailed all the guys about hiking in Big Bear. Here’s hoping we can keep a good thing going.

Hiatus #1

Yeah, I just haven't been feeling like posting lately. I am dealing with some personal things and sometimes it is difficult to get dressed in the morning, let alone find inspiration to post. So, I'm calling this Hiatus #1 because I'm sure it won't be the last time I have one of these dry spells. I'll be back when I have something I feel I can share (there is stuff I would write, but I have to give myself permission to really address it first).

PROMPTuesday #48: L-O-V-E

San Diego Momma has another PROMPTuesday:

Please write a post about love: When you knew you were in love. How you stay in love. What those about to get married should know about love. What qualities you hope to find in someone when you fall in love, and/or so on. You can even go the route of “Best love/marriage advice you ever got or gave.” Or perhaps you want to write about your wedding day or engagement. If you’re not married or in a relationship, how will you know when you’ve found “the one?”

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We are born with an open heart, full of capacity to love and yet untrained. If we are blessed, our parents tend to our heart daily and provide support when we need it. Our heart is theirs and we share the pain and joy of life’s experiences. The parents realize a child’s heart must be unfettered if their child is to venture forth and share it with another. Parents try to teach a child how to care for themselves – to recognize threats and learn to safeguard their precious well-being. But children cannot remain as such forever and the very passage to adulthood is marked by the experiences that weather and condition the heart. The goal is not to pass through life unscathed, but to be better from each resolved struggle. The heart is sometimes damaged in these struggles, broken and scarred, and each time the child to teen to adult learns to protect their heart in a new way. And so, the adult is ready to take on the world with a shielded heart and guarded mind.

The world breeds skepticism and every day teaches us to steel ourselves lest we fall victim to our naivety. Thankfully, though, we do hold onto the contradictory belief that at some point, for some individual, we will need to cast off our armor. If we are to find purpose in our life’s endeavors then we know companionship is needed. The question is not to love or not, for we know that love given or withheld pulls upon a primal cord within us. No, the question is not an “if” but rather “who” we are to expose our inner selves to. Who do we let grasp hold of our unprotected heart?

There are many good, decent people in this world and we try to surround ourselves by those of shared values and morals. But there are few, if any, that we can completely trust to care for our spirit amid a world of self-interests. We are fortunate to have family, or find a friend, of such merit and even then our experiences with them are limited to fractions of ourselves. It is the life-companion that we are really seeking. We seek the one that can be trusted with all parts of ourselves, the only one that can truly see us.

Marriage is different than the loves we have earlier in life. Marriage is a promise between two people to care for one another more than they would for themselves. It is the final threshold of trust where you not only stop guarding your heart from them, you hand it over for their care as you promise to do the same with their heart. That promise is the birth of something new and lasting for the relationship. It is the first joining of the marriage, of the two lives, and the one that must be nurtured above all else. It must be tended to and supported together – each sharing the joy and pain and giving equally and unconditionally. It is the precious and pure thing that binds the two and from which a meaningful life of family, friends and fulfillment springs from. It is the promise that must not be broken. A heart held and hurt thus may bare a wound too deep to mend.

World of Warcraft

I've played World of Warcraft for over four years now. It was my first online game of its sort and I immediately fell in love with the emersive nature of it. The game was an escape from the stress of work or anything else. It is a hobby. Some play sports, work on cars, watch TV, read, etc. and it is a hobby just like those. But ultimately, the game's content didn't change that much over time (sure there were patches with some new places, but it was basically the same game). The part that kept me playing was the community. The guild of hundreds of people I played with are friends much like you find in real life. But there is always a self-imposed distance from them as well. Some of the regulars that I played with each week got to the point were we went beyond the in-game names, events, etc. Some of my friends talk about their wives and kids and TV shows and sports and work and so on ... just like I talk with my RL friends in person. And so, the lines blur from my network of friends I see at work or weekends (especially since some of them play the game with me) and those online.

But of late, the game doesn't bring me much joy or escape. I play due to committments made to those others in groups that need 10 or 25 on the team to complete objectives. I play because it is expected, but I am pretty much done with it. I've been cutting back my hours and days more and more anyway. Now I told them I was leaving the east coast playing times (the 25 person team) and that leaves me with two nights a week from 8 to 11. And I'm seriously thinking of dropping those too. In some ways I feel like that is my last connection to these online friends though. But really it is only a handful of them anyway. I guess I'm having a problem breaking the ties because I'm not positive I won't want to play again in the future and I also know that I won't carry on the friendships with those guys if not in-game. We don't regularly email each other or post on forums ... it would basically be saying goodbye.

I am at a point in my life where I want to take on a new/productive activity. I will most likely go back to writing a novel or maybe go back to school (if I can afford it). I will be using the former playing time to do this. But, this is also a time when I don't relish losing more friends. so it is not an easy move. Today I was home sick and in the past I would have played WoW ... I had no interest in doing that this time. However, I was bored out of my mind and feeling like I need to retrain myself to use time for something else. It is so easy to check out in WoW, just like others check out by watching TV. I don't want to check out of life anymore, but I really need to get back into the swing of things. I feel the pain in using those forgotten muscles.

PROMPTuesday #47: The Triumvirate

PROMPTuesday #47: The Triumvirate
The prompt? Use in a story/poem: a skein of red yarn, a comb and a bottle of water.
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Detective Williams no longer woke in confusion to the 2:00 am sound of the telephone. He knew the script and just waited for the cast of players or location of the scene. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll be there in 20,” Williams grumbled. He quickly glances at his hands to avoid transference before patting down the wrinkles in the shirt and pants he slept in. Pinching his tie into position over the missing shirt button, he runs his palm over his hair to slick it down. Williams hadn’t used a comb since he left it in the pocket of his previous suit a decade ago and he wasn’t one to veer from the frozen food aisle to track down something like a new comb. Less than a minute from leaving and only three since he was dreaming of his former life and family. He grabs his suit coat from the door handle, picks a dinner-flavored protein bar, and scans the room for his “water” bottle. The crinkled plastic of the bottle looks thin and fragile, but makes a soothing sound as he fills it with Smirnoff.

As his Taurus pulls up to the scene, Williams can tell how long ago a neighbor, relative, somebody made that panicked call to the police. He could tell the time down to a few minutes just by the number and type of response vehicles already on site. The circus is only contained by the spiraling yellow tape at the perimeter; a long-standing “dare” line to keep people in check. Williams drafts one of the Stay Puff Men up to the opened front door. The flash of lights within only make the sideshow that much more enticing to the gawkers from the street. Williams knows he is supposed to catalog the faces of the crowd, to catch the perp doting over his masterpiece of drama, but he gave up those movie-inspired hopes years ago. As he crosses the exterior threshold, he pauses to survey the room. His eyes finally light up at the skein of red yarn pinned from wall to floor and table to lamp. The room almost looks festive with the lights, spray of red and excited people mingling all about. And there, in the center of it all, is the host and hostess. Williams smirks to himself as he thinks “You’d have thought they would dress up a bit if they knew so many were attending their farewell party.”